Babblings Of The Broken Hearted

Oops...

2006-06-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

After reading what I wrote in my last post, it occured to me that it came off as me maing a choice of writing fiction over blogging. On thecontrary, I planned to write here too I guess my point was that if I can blog I can return to my biggest passion which is writing crime drama. I have committed myself to figuring this all out and striking a balance. Thanks once again to loyal blog buddy t for helping to see the light. Here's to you t!!!

Writing vs. blogging...

2006-05-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have resigned myself to the idea that I am "permanently disabled". I am not sure if that is the politically correct term but suffice it to say no matter what you call it it sucks. I have been trying to figure out ways to compensate for this in many ways one of which has been lavish self pity! Ok that's old now. The thing is when you are disabled and have kids, the powers that be do not care.Up untilI became ill, I worked from the time I was 15 until then. I have now become a disability recipient and have a disabled child who also gets disability although my child will be on this possibly until the government runs out of funds! The problem is that when you apply, no consideration is given to the real cost of living, or how those pesky little dickens called children will eat if mom can't work. Now I am not an entitlist just a realist. I have been tinkering around with ways to make money from home (most of them scams that would cost ME money), and out of necessity have decided that I need to put my writing (talents?) to good use. I have decded to begin on a small scale and try submitting short stories to some ezines and magazines that I have come across over the years.With a prayer and any luck at all I can figure this whole writing thing out so that I can make all of those teachers at my High School proud. I would be remiss if I let down Mr. Stewart who made me start a class newspaper, Mrs. Draper a now famous author who was also my 11th grade teacher, Mrs. Guentert another published author who let me join her writer's workshop when I was 14. Other alumnus from my H.S. that I glean inspiration from are award winning journalist Edie Magnus, Director Steven Spielberg, and Sarah Jessice Parker (only 1 year attending). But the alumnus I thank the most is Charles Manson because he inspired me to be everything that he is not and Society is a better place because so many people did not follow his lead! Here's to being published soon, after all necessity is the mother of very inventive stories or something to that effect!

Piggybacking off t part deux...

2006-04-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

After reading t's latest post http://scrapethewindows.blogspot.com/ ,

I must admit it sparked an old obituary memory for me. There was an old widowed woman that lived on my street growing up. She had an immaculate lawn, beautiful garden, picket fence, and frankly one of the loveliest homes on the street. Recently I thought about her after this news story happened in my city: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/20/boy.shot.ap/index.html. This woman (my neighbor) watched out of windows constantly would chase us off the sidewalk in front of her house, keep all balls that bounced into her yard, and call the police if the kids played in the cul de sac. After the shooting incident I thought back on her and wondered if she might have ever gotten that angry and shot one of us.

The bizarre thing is when she died (some years back), I remember reading glowing reports of her kind neighborlyness (huh?) and her beautiful garden (true). She had a son that she had alienated so badly that he never visited, and the running neighborhood joke was that she had nagged her husband to death as he was a wonderful man. The funny thing about it was that after I read the obituary, I ran into her next door neighbor of 40 years and she informed me that other than herself the son was the only other person at the funeral. I guess her "kind neighborlyness" was rewarded with a less than stellar box office in the end.

Back to Life as I Know it and love it?...

2006-04-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

After being ill again and recuperating, I am finally back at the grind. Time waits for no wo(man) and I hope my blog buddies are still up running and ok. Is it me or has the weather, world and just people in general gone mad? I am not a doomsdayist or a conspiracy theorist but , it seems to me that everything is going haywire. The plus side of all of this I suppose is that the world is becoming more aware of the people that need help. It does not necessarily mean that anyone is really helping , but at least wwe are on heightened awareness status.

I was a little amused to hear that the FBI is planning to investigate Hurricane Katrina to see if it was handled properly! Hmmm, I could investigate it in about 2 minutes from my living room a lot cheaper and dare I say more accurately...um NO! I would love to be the genius that sent all of those trailers down there and then "forgot" to distribute them to the homeless families that so desperately needed them. I would further like to be the brainiac that told all of those college students that took spring break down there to help build homes to "go home, because we have no accomodations for you." Nevermind that they took all of the building materials and supplies down there at their own costs. Ah well life goes on, maybe I should grin and act like this stuff is not happening...oops that would make my initials GWB!

Blogger sweet blogger...

2005-11-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to have problems getting my posts to post. They are showing up on my dashboard but not in the actual blog. I have tried republishing my whole blog but for some reason it is a no go.

An appeal that is not for the faint of heart...

2005-11-23T15:10:00.000-08:00

Ok. Normally I do not direct people to the profane or potty mouthed sites that I have seen. However, a few years ago, I ran across this letter and thought it worth a mention here. Fair warning the language may offend some but the letter makes some good points on charity. Take a peek if you dare: http://bluebelle.blogs.com/bluestreak/2002/12/open_letter_to_.html

Another footnote...

2005-11-03T04:13:00.001-08:00

Boy, Johnny Cash is getting a lot more concentration than I ever thought he would get here on this blog. I just found out about Joaquin Phoenix playing him in an upcoming movie. Now why was I not offered a part as a girl who almost had a chance to be in a movie with Cash? I think someone is missing a brilliant opportunity to make that movie even better!!!! That also reminds me of another "almost". My brother and sister- in- law both stood in long lines to try out as extras for the movie A Rage in Harlem. Most of that film was shot here in Cincinnati. My brother went first and was politely told that he would not be needed. My sis-in-law went in they took one look at her and offered her the part of a hooker that was to be in bed with Gregory Hines and another woman. Well, my brother heard this and immediately "they" decided to turn it down! We often tease my brother about being jealous lol. Actually, it would have possibly required nudity and that just was not possible as my brother is a Pastor !

Finding Mr. Right...

2005-10-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

You know loneliness is not fun. I have been longing for that special something that couples have. I count the days of loneliness and I sigh with the resignation that maybe there is no one for me. But alas...I have found the perfect solution. Men have been doing it for centuries so why can't I? What am I talking about? Ordering a husband through a mail order service! After checking into it I think I found the pla ce to find "him"! Check this out: http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/ I have decided to let you all give me suggestions as to which of these specimens is Mr. Right!

That reminds me reminded me of something else...

2005-10-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

An interesting footnote to my last post, the same movie that I extraed in has a strange coincidence to it. My ex-husband's sister married a guy who actually had a speaking role in the movie. He was a little boy then and has done tons of local acting here where we live. The really strange part is that when my husband and I rented our second apartment, we invited the families over for dinner and when he got there he asked, "Hey did you know that I grew up in this very apartment and your son's room was my room?" The world is very small. Too small at times!

That reminds me...

2005-10-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

I was trolling blogs for the first time in a long while and came across an interesting blog only I forgot to bookmark it lol so I will have to wait for it to show up on google. Anyway the blogger was talking about being an extra in a music video so this brought to mind my most unforgettable high school memory:

I signed on as an extra in a film once. Well, ok it was a very very bad made for tv movie. Anyway it was filmed at my high school and I just knew I would be seen as I had pushed way forward in the "crowd scene". The scene was supposed to be a track meet and we were all cheering on the sidelines. When the movie "premiered" my family called everyone over to "see" me lol. Well, when the scene finally came, I excitedly waited...the actors began racing, and proceeded to kick up so much dust that the whole crowd was obliterated! Talk about embarrassing.
4:16 PM

Point of interest...

2005-10-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Looking for a place to vent or read other people's vents and rants? I found this place called http://www.ourvoicematters.com/ . It has some interesting reading, check it out!

By the way...

2005-10-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

The folks at jibjab are at it again. The new film "Big Box Mart" is cute check it out: http://jibjab.com/Home.aspx . The only slightly off putting thing is that jibjab now plays commercials for sponsors at the beginning and I am not sure if it will effect the acid in their satire but we will see.

Dare I tread?...

2005-10-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to glean inspiration from t who sometimes posts philosophical questions on his blog, I have a question that may get me into hot water. The question is this: Is it me, or are parents more and more condescending to their kids? What I am referring to is the onslaught of kid, teen and even young adult performers that are pretty talentless. With the invention of the computer who knew that eventually musicians would not have to actually learn music, singers could be vocally enhanced by computer, and that looks are the only pre-requisite for a singer to go platinum? It is so funny to me that in days gone by, Motown hit guru Berry Gordy would look for the talent, then hire a team of professionals to make his artists "look good". It also amazes me that the trend in music today is for people to mumble inaudibly and the technicians to raise the sound up so high that you barely hear the singer at all. Frank Sinatra belted out his songs as did all of his contemporaries, and you understood every word that they sang. Maybe I am showing age and at 41, I suppose I have a low threshold for "pain" but is it too much to ask to hear quality vocals and real instruments? The other thing that floors me is when they take would be good singers and turn them into the cookie cutter mush mouth artiststhat we are told the demographic wants to hear. I say take a chance that if we up the standards maybe, just maybe the kids in the desired demographic might develop taste. Hey, I'm just askin!

Red Roses...

2005-10-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well my attempt to have this on Sweetest Day actually did not post! Here it is a day late but the sentiment is a 365 day thing:

Red Roses

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine", like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.

A Heads-Up for Saturday...

2005-10-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am pretty much a romantic at heart. I think that any excuse that a person can find to make a loved one smile is great. However, I was a bit cynical the first time that heard about Sweetest Day. I once heard a comedian say that Sweetest Day was just a wannabe Valentines Day and another opportunity for women to get angry at their partners for forgetting. Recently, a friend (surprisingly enough a male); pointed out to me that if all he had to do to make his wife smile was buy her something 5 times a year, why would he complain. He went on to say that 5 times a year was not enough to show her what she gives to him. So I am just suggesting to both sexes that one more day won't make a difference and if it means something to him/her think of what it can mean to you! It does not have to be flowers if the budget is tight there are plenty of free ways to be romantic for Sweetest Day! An improptu text message, a lovely ecard, helping around the house, or finding a nice poem (one that will be posted here tomorrow that is probably very familiar to a lot of you), all of these things are just suggestions. The possibilities are endless! Sure it is a "made up holiday" but aren't they all? If it pleases the one you love I say why not?

Still no mail and a bit of inspiration...

2005-10-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well another week has come and gone and there is still no personal mail coming my way. I have contacted the powers that be at USPS and they were as helpful as a broken arm and shin splints! I will hold out hope though and one day soon (when I am 55) I will probably receive the letters and cards and laugh at all this! I am pouring myself into writing fulltime these days and hopefully the effort will pay off soon. Above is something that I found to inspire myself with I hope it does the same for you.

Snail mail or sloth mail?...

2005-10-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I love the way that people come up with nicknames for things/people. For instance Joe Louis was the "Brown Bomber", in their heyday the Cincinnati Reds were "the Big Red Machine". Sometimes however, the nicknames are no longer relative. Lately I have come to the conclusion that the United States Post Office needs a new moniker. Here are some I thought up:
1. United Simply to Piss Off
2. U're Screwed Permanently and Officially
3. Unequivocally Staying Permanently Outdated
4. Unmistakably Seeking People to Outrage

My reasons for this silly post? Everyday since returning home from "the home", I have gone to the mailbox in anticipation of various cards letters etc... Am I being presumptuous? Do I think I deserve cards and letters or am I just stuck on myself? No! I have 4 ddear friends/loved ones who have sent me a total of 7 cards/letters that I have not received! Most of which were sent during the first 2 days of my return. I have been home since August 7th! The funny thing is, my bills have come just fine. My junkmail comes daily...what's up with that? Uspsy, you got some 'splaining to do !

Onward and upward...

2005-09-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

The past year has been a humdinger for the old girl. I have seen a lot. Recent events in the world at large have given me the realization that I have absolutely positively nothing to complain about. Yes, I did my time in a Nursing Home but I was not abandoned by the staff and left to drown. Yes I have LIVED through a Natural disaster (the tornado of 1999), that totally demolished my town. But the operative word is lived through.I am not a guru or seer of any type but I know that I am blessed as are most people who have not lived through the type of tragedies that the world has seen lately.

On the home front things are going ok, I have gotten into the swing of things with the back to school routine. The homework is being piled on the kids and me. I am taking world religions and environmental education this go. The workload is horrendous but that is what school is about! Well I have to go write about Hinduism...catch you later.

The True Meaning of Heartbreak...

2005-09-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to Squirrely...

2005-08-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need friends to kick us in the butt and remind us that we are not just here to serve self. Thanks Squirrely, t, and Errika for reminding me that no matter how mundane things become there are those that care about what is going on! Well, actually there is not too much to report, the kids are back in school and I have had my first days alone in months! Yay! As much as I love and missed the kids, this time of constant togetherness more than made up for 6 months of separation lol. The kids wasted no time in getting back into the swing of things, I had overnight kids the first night home! They still bicker and fight, they try to push my limits and they have all but forgotten that Mom was ill! You know what? I absolutely love it! Hey and guess what? There is not much hair to pull out yet so it is all good! Well folks my book has turned into a 2 part venture and I will be talking more about it soon. Thanks again Squirrely for reminding me that are "extended family" members out there in cyberspace and I love you all! Thank you so much for the encouragement the remindrs to blog and the general concern! If ever in Cincinnati, although there are not many good reasons to do this (smile)...mi casa es tu casa!

Home with heatstroke, but home nonetheless...

2005-08-09T04:51:00.000-07:00

I am home. Yes it was ended with a period, no exclamation point yet. I wheeled in to the door of the sauna that is my house. 90 degrees outside 200 (well it felt like it) inside. The reason? My heat was stuck on for a month. I had no idea because apparently the family members who were doing weekly checks turned on my heat at some point and left it on. Now my central air does not work. After two notes from doctors, and begging an pleading with management to send maintenance here, he struts in at 4:45pm yesterday, tinkers a bit says its fixed but may conk back out. Naturally at 5 I am his last job so no chance of calling him 30 minutes later when it shut off. Well it is too hot to write much more. On a happy note, the kids are happy to be with mom and I with them!

Packing and other stuff...

2005-08-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that one person can accumulate so much junk. Yes you are reading here for the first time ever; LinF is a pack rat! Now, my first thought was to leave all of this s*** behind for the "lovely" people here to clean up. But my biggest fear is that they will not pitch but recycle for some little old lady to use who does not have all of her faculties. I really need a moving van! Since my first post here on December 5, 2004 I have come along

Getting sprung...

2005-07-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

I am very sorry for not posting sooner. I have been working extra hard to make sure that my release date of August 7, goes off without a hitch! I can hardly wait! I will be much more of a faithful blogger oncew home I promise. Thanks to t, squirrely, erikka, and dragonfly for your wondefrul support. This has been a ride and I have been writing like crazy! Always the optimist, I will send copies to all of you WHEN I am published lol.

Silenced...

2005-07-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

2005-06-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

It's baby louie...look at that face!

Between therapy and school...

2005-06-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy trying to make sure that I get out of here by July 31st I have had time for nothing else but school. I hope all my blog buddies are ok and I will catch up with one and all very soon. Right now I just have kicked into high gear with my therapies and have been basically resigned to the fact that I am not going to get food till I get home! Not much else to report, will be back soon!

It's official...

2005-06-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

My escape from "the rock" oops that would be "the home" is July 31st. I cannot wait!!!! Of course for a little while I will some help at home but this i well worth it. No more "mystery meals", no more intrusions every 5 minutes to ask if I need ice. No more complaining employees. But most of all going back home to my lovely children. Sure I am trading complaining employees for complaining kids. Sure I don't cook much better than the staff here. My kids always manage to leave the icetrays out so won't be any ice but...HALLELUJAH!!! Besides I am being stalked by a 80 year old Alzheimer's patient named Louise. But I will tell you about that in my next post. So mark your calendars!!!

A comedy of errors...

2005-06-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

The first question most of you are probably asking is; am I still in "the home". The answer is yes. I have been here through Valentine's Day, Easter, First Day oy Spring, my twins birthday, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and most recently, my son's 4th grade graduation. All is not lost though. I am told that I will definitely be going home in July. My plan is to be home before the fourth of July.
The hilarity goes on here at "the home". Lately, there is a woman here named Louise that is really becoming the home clown. Last week, one of the nurses had to call a cab because her car was in the shop. Well Louise, was in the hallway in her wheelchair when she looked down the hallway and saw the cab by the backdoor. Now Louise can walk long enough to go from the drive to the cab so, she went out the rear door and got in the cab. Once it was discovered that Louise had tried to escape the nurses were able to get the cabbie to bring Louise back. I wonder if Louise gave him a tip? Here is the biggie Sometimes the ridiculousis so ridiculous it defies everything. Tuesday night I had just hunkered down to do a couple of homework assignments, when at around 7pm, I started hearing a bunch of racket and banging. I thought oh well something is being fixed it will be over soon. No sooner did the thought leave my brain, the door flew open and there stood about 7 men. They were ripping up the carpet in the hallway And not pretending to be quiet about it. For hours they banged and clattered, scraped and scratched. Until finally at 1am all was quiet. I decided to get some rest, and closed my eyes. At 2am I was awakened to more racket and even more scraping and banging. Once again the men opened my door no knock, just flung open. This went on until 4am until thankfully the men left. Now I figured that the worst was over, and after sleeping the whole day to compensate for the lack of sleep the night before, I was told the joke of a lifetime! Apparently the men had put down the wrong carpet and will be back soon to rip it out and put the right carpet down. Before anyone gets outraged and says complain, been there done that. I beg of any of you who is contemplating checking your loved one in to one of these places, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Soon I will try to post the do's and don'ts of picking a Nursing Home.

Back in action...

2005-06-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Life goes on, and after a short hiatus so do I.

Mary...

2005-05-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

Mary died last night. As the other half of a beautiful friendship, love, and marriage, I honor you Mary. The NA's all loved you and though I never met you I got to know through the wonderful stories they tell. For Harold to want to be with you so bad that he sold all his belongings to be with you, you must have been awesome. Here's to you Mary, and Godspeed!

Harold and Mary...

2005-05-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

I have been through lost love. This last week has been particularly hard for me. With no significant other in my life, I have been feeling pretty down.I would have given anything to have had a touch, a card, a smile or a visit from someone whose heart knows what I want it to feel. I have had the misfortune of picking men who have no clue what it is like to really be in my corner when the chips are down. Sunday was Mother's Day as all of you know. I was feeling pretty low. The kids did not come by nor did they call. I lost it about halfway through the day. I said all of that to say this. There is a couple that are in the room next to mine. Harold and Mary have been married for 62 years, when Mary took ill some years back, Harold visited her here until his own health began to decline. At that point Harold sold everything he owned and came here to live with Mary. He talks about her constantly he loves her deeply. Mary loves Harold in a way that I have never seen between a couple. One month ago today Mary's lungs collapsed. She was taken to the hospital and has been there ever since. Well today, the nursing home got the call that they have been dreading. Mary is dying and has very little time left. When they told Harold, naturally he wanted to go see her. Unfortunately Harold is not well enough to handle the strain of all of this. Harold is distraught. Harold is heartbroken. This is true love.

This is love that does not shatter with petty financial strains. There is no threat of another woman or man, and there is no game playing. It is what it is. The thought of these two wonderfully in love and perfectly compatible people stirred a desire in me that I can not shake. The desire is this: remind everyone that I can to remember the love everyday of their lives. Everyone of you deserve the love of Harold and Mary. So the next time you get the desire to walk away from love because it is not going your way, remember Harold and Mary. Honoe the memory of Harold and Mary by having the best love that you can. Believe me the words alone and lonely are cousins for a reason. Take it from one who is both, I'd rather be Mary.

Update on Amber and other stuff...

2005-05-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I heard from amber and she is doing well! She took a job working in her brother's art gallery and seems to love it. On a rather terrible note, there is asubject that I need to touch on. Sometimes when we take positions of authority we have to take an honest look at ourselves and remember where we came from. Nothing angers me more than people who started out in a lesser position then get promoted only to forget what it was like to be an underling. There is a nurse here who serves as Director of Nursing. This woman started out in the laundry room, put herself through nursing school, then eventually became D.O.N. The moment she took this position she began a reign of terror! Since I have been here, almost three months now, she has fired no less than 7 NA's some of which have been here for more than 13 years. I do not pretend to know her reasoning but I know what I see. As a patient here, I can tell in about 5 minutes who does their job and who doesn't. I will also tell you that I have enough life stories to blow this place out of the water lol! My point is, if you keep firing all the good people only to hire incompetent ones then you are going to have trouble.

This brings me to my next point. If it ain't broke leave it alone! The other day Carolyn who is a damned fine NA and an even better friend helping me in my room and some of what she helps me with involves her getting wet lol. Well, this particular day Carolyn was not feeling her best and having symptoms of a cold she asked if I would not mind if she took off her smmock so that it would not get wet. I told her it was fine and she took off her smock and had a regular printed t-shirt on under it. Well, just then a new trainee comes to observe Carolyn. She stays to observe for about 1 minute then says I'll be right back. Later that evening Carolyn comes in to say she got written up for not having her smock on. The gestapo strikes again!

Anger for Amber...

2005-04-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I sat here trying to get a leg-up (so to speak) on my homework. there was a knock on my door. As I yelled "come in", I looked up and Carolyn was there with another of my favorite NA's Amber. When I first got here, Amber was the first to befriend me and soon began to confide in me. Amber is a wonderful girl and a wonderful NA! Well, anyway, Amber came in and I looked up and could see that she was crying. My first thought was that something was wrong with Amber's husband or son. Amber immediately tells me that she was fired! I have not cried in a long time but yesterday I just broke down, of course that is when therapy walks in. Needless to say they start in with the old depression kick again. Can't a person just cry and not be depressed. Professionals make me ill! So here's to you Amber and I hope that you will be ok soon!

Apologies...

2005-04-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

This is a post especially dedicated to all my blog buddies and friends who read this pathetic girl's "babblings". Thank you for all the inquiries, I am doing ok I have been hearing rumors of my eminent parole! I am hoping that soon and very soon, (within 3 weeks), that I will return to the doldrums of home. Notice that I did not say "the home"! As I reflect back on this past 2 1/2 months, it occurs to me that I have not paid homage to those who I found delightful at "the home"! In each of my posts from now till I go home, I will try to give a little tribute to one of my buddies here. Before I do though, I want to give a little update on the friend and love connection or lack their of. Not much has changed for my friend, he still likes her only as a friend . Sadly, not much has changed for her either except for the fact that "she" is calling "him" at least 4 times a day. I feel exceedingly guilty! I feel really bad because my friend was up front with her and told her he is only interested in friendship. Today's tribute goes out to my new friend Carolyn. Carolyn is a Nurses Aide here at "the Home" and is anexcellent caregiver. She never complains and treats me with the utmost respect even in very undignified situations, and believe me undignified situations abound in a nursing home! Hats off to you Carolyn! And keep sneaking me that orange juice!

Good idea...

2005-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes inspiration is a funny thing. There are two things bopping around in this very over taxed brain. Comedy and writing. There is a very funny Nurses Aide here named Teddy. This girl would put Chris Rock to shame! The other bit of inspiration came from fellow blogger Jorge. In a comment from Jorge in about a post from a while back, he suggested that i write about "the home". Well, I have been taking all kinds of notes to do just that. Thanks for the inspiration and I hope you don't mind me adding your blog to my blogroll! I am thinking that my next undertaking will definitely be a comical take on life in "the home". Thanks and keep those ideas rolling!

Three things...

2005-04-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me knows that i am a very non confrontational person. I will go out of my way not to argue but sometimes you just get pushed into it! The other day was one of those days. Twice daily I have therapy, and the therapists never seem to come the same time from day to day. As you all know I am also going to school. Well, the week before I went to the hospital for my fever/infection episode therapy was just getting me to the point where I was sitting on the side of the bed. Because of all the medications I ahve been taking, my blood pressure tends to drop when my lower extremities are lower than my heart, causing numbness and sometimes dizziness. Anyway, when I returned from the hospital, apparently the insurance company was upset about my slow progress and put some new demands on my therapists. So, after being sverely dehydrated, wrought with infection and super medicated, the day after I got out therapy says now we are going to have you sit on the side of the bed for your three meals and then still have therapy twice daily. Then they inform me that from now on I will have to stand up and sit down three times at each session. Well it does not sound like much to you guys but for someone who has been injured, ill and in bed for 2 months this is really hard! Now i do not mind hard work and i usually don't complain about the pain. But...on this particular day i was already feeling crappy, my professor is relentlessly being a jerk about my late assignments, and therapy was unusally late. So I decided to do some homework while I waited for them. In walks "Debbie" my least favorite therapist. So I said in a very friendly tone, "Just one second please I just want to finish this sentence." Debbie then says, in a very nasty tone mind you, "You are not here to do school work you are here to do therapy. The insurance company is nt paying for you to go to school." Now i am a normally calm person but I snapped, "No I am paying for me to go to school. And as long as I am neither you nor the insurance company is going to tell me what to do!" Now, I have been ill, injured, sepaprated from my kids, pressured into doing more therapy than my body is ready for and have kept a really good attitude till this point. So what does "Debbie" do? After our words she goes and gets the psychologist and the social worker and tells them that i am depressed. I lost my mind! I told everyone off in that room. I told them i am not depressed that I am pissed and that they would to if they had people coming anytime they felt and then telling me, as an adult what I should and should not be doing! Now i know the insurance company is pressuring them. But isn't that their job to handle the pressure? When therapy is not in the room i do all of the stuff that they have asked me to and I never let school interfere. With all the misdeeds going on here, do they really want to force my hand?

Huge dilemma...

2005-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Why do we; as humans feel the need to meddle in others affairs? The bad thing is this time I am the guilty party! Here's the scoop I have a dear friend who happens to live on the other side of the world...well California. Anyhow, we were talking on the phone one day and he expressed that he is getting very lonely. Well this guy is a wonderful catch and if we weren't on opposite sides of the country, it might be a relationship worth considering. So, anyhow I was feeling really badly for him and trying to figure out how to help him through his loneliness. Just as I was thinking about this, the activities director came in with a magazine that has pen pals in it. So as I was reading the names and addresses I found a lady in there that was about 1/2 hour from my friend. So needless to say I passed on email addresses and waited for nature to take its course! Well, the first thing I hear from my friend is that the lady is a wonderful woman and that he is glad they met. Then the woman emails me thanking me profusely for the intros. Then two days later, the woman emails again saying that she is really happy that she finally found a boyfriend that cares! I am thinking wow, boyfriend! However, in my daily chats with my friend, he is saying nothing remotely like that. So yesterday I get up the nerve to ask my friend what is up with the two of them. He says "I like her very much, like a sister." I guess you can see where this is going. So I told him that I did not think SHE saw it that way at all. Then he says that he figured that and could I talk to her? So now my act of kindness (I am trying to con myself into believing I was not just being a busy body), has turned into a nightmare from hell! Any suggestions?

Down but not out...

2005-04-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

103! Chills...Heat...Harrowing Speed...Escape! Sounds like an action movie, huh! Well, no. On April 4, 2005, I woke to a normal day at "the home". Nausea in the morning, which lead to the usual refusal of breakfast. Nausea after viewing my lunch, which lead to refusing lunch. Then I started getting cold, unshakably, undeniably cold. Carrie "the good nurse" as we like to call her here in "OZ", came in and asks, "Are you sick again?" Maybe it was the fact that I turned and looked at her with glassy eyes and a blank stare, or the fact that I could not speak, but something made her say "That's it you have been nauseated for two weeks now this is going to end." She dashes out, gets her thermometer and waits for it to beep. "102! Alright I'm calling the squad you are going to the hospital!" She then proceeds to run out. She comes back 5 minutes later and says "They are slammed but they will send someone soon."
Well soon turned out to be 45 minutes later. In the meantime my fever reaches 103.5. Now i don't know if you have ever experienced a really high fever, but let's just say I will forever look at boiling lobsters in a totally different way. So they put me in the ambulance an take me away. Since it is after 8p and the guys are probably ready for a break, the driver starts speeding, Well, when you are feverish, nauseated and very ill, go across potholes at 75mph is not fun. The other thing is this, the nurse told them to take me back to the hospital that I had come to "the home" from. Well, that hoepital is about 30 minutes away. When we finally arrive at the hospital, There are "no rooms in the inn". So there I was feverish, nauseated, and in pain by this time, lying on a gourney in the hallway. After 10 minutes of this, I finally am sent to a triage in the back. The nurse comes in takes blood asks some dumb questions that I can barely answer, and tells me the doctor will be in shortly. I ask if I can have some water or ice, and she says "Not until the doctor arrives." Well guess who walks in 3 1/2 hours later? You guessed it. He then tells me I have a bunch (4) different infections going on and that I am dehydrated. They give me 3 bags of IV liquids including antibiotics, and morphine because by now my head hurts so badly that I cannot open my eyes. 3days later back to "the home".

Piggy-backing off t and the workings of a sleep deprived mind part 2...

2005-04-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

At his blog, t relates a funny story about cats. Well this ain't funny! My sister-in-law told me this story recently. My brother and his family live in a large townhome community similar to the one I live in. Most of the neighbors where they live have pets, so it is nothing at any given time for animals to roam around outside. One Sunday morning, in my sister-in-laws haste to get the family off and running to church, she noticed a small cat hanging around the car. Well, she went back inside for something and when she came back out the cat was gone. After piling the folks in the car she got in and attempted to start the car so that it would be ready by the time my brother made his way out. When she started the ignition, she heard a loud clunk and smoke started pouring out of the front of the car. She turned off the car and what did she do? What any self-respecting woman would do in her situation! She started it up again! This time she just got smoke! By this time my brother was coming out of the house. Of course he looks at the car like WTH? He goes over, opens the hood and finds the remains of what used to be a very much alive cat! Great way to start a Sunday morning!
My sleep deprivation is really getting to me! Last night I had an assignment for one of my classes. In case I have not mentioned it, all of my assignments are due on midnight of the day assigned. Well, I had a pretty intense day yesterday so I started the assignment at about 7. When I finished at 10:45, my mind started playing games with me. I heard a little voice say "Go on close your eyes for a few minutes! You know you want to!" So I closed my eyes and when I woke up it was 12:30am. No big deal right? Well it would not have been, except for the fact that I did not click send and when I woke up my asignment was staring me in the face remingding me that it was late lol. Oh well, another day at "the home"!

The workings of a sleep deprived mind...

2005-03-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I slept! I dropped off at about 3am (I know technically this morning, but humor me), and did not wake till breakfast trays at 8:30am. Well, anyway after turning away my breakfast because I was so sick yesterday, I decided to watch a little tv before the barrage of people start coming in to earn their paychecks. Well I started to hear some sort of squeaking sound. It sounded like a mouse! Since I am too weak and not allowed out of bed without help, I put on my call light and waited. Well, a few seconds later, in comes the NA and I ask her if she hears the noise. She says "Yeah!" , and proceeds to go get the maintenance guy who comes in with a clueless look on his face. Well, they both start looking around the room for said varmint and cannot find a thing. Just then the director of "the home" calls Josh (the maintenance guy) on his cell and reminds him that the state inspectors will be arriving at any minute so he really needs to find the mouse.So, the NA and Josh start tearing the room apart frantically, when all of a sudden, we hear the roar of a thunderstorm! Josh says "Holy Crap", it's not supposed to rain today! Then he looks out the window! Josh says, "What the hell! It's not raining out there!" It was at that moment that I realized that I had left AOL radio on and that it was tuned in to "Nature Sounds". I have listened to this for years but this was only the first time since being here that I tuned in. Then it occured to me that the "mouse" sounds I heard were probably some animal sound that was on the radio. Imagine my embarrassment! The moral of the study is sleeping 5 and a half hours one night to make up for about 30 does not work!

Easter at "the home"...

2005-03-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

My best friend Marty and I are huge "The Golden Girls" fans. So much so that whenever someone we knew said something a little off kilter or forgot something, we would kid them with, "UH oh time to call Shady Pines!" For those of you who never watched the show, Shady Pines is the nursing home that The oldest character, Sophia, burned down. Being temporarily parked at a nursing home/hospice, I understand the arson completely! There is a man named Harold in the room next to me. Harold shares his room with his wife. Harold must be about 80 or 90 from what I can hear. Last week Harold started a nightly ritual of waiting till about 11pm to start yelling for help and moaning as loudly as possible. The first time I heard it naturally I put my call light on because I thought Harold could not reach his. The nurse's aid shows up and says "Oh that's just Harold you'll get used to him." I'm thinking 'wtf!' don't these people have any compassion? This man is obviously suffering. So, as I mentioned in a previous post , the walls here are like paper. To illustrate how thin they are, I am not kidding you when I say that I can literally hear Harold and his wife's every word and I can even hear them snoring in my room. Well, anyway two nights ago, Harold was doing his usual late night thing, only this time he was yelling, "Please kill me! I am in such pain." He repeatedly told his wife that he loved her very much and yelled like this for what seemed like an eternity before the nurse finally went in to see what was wrong. Once the nurse went in, Harold began moaning and yelling even louder! Well, the nurse asked Harold what was wrong. Harold started yelling at her that he was in so much pain he just wanted someone to kill him. At this point, the nurse tells Harold that she is going to have to call the ambulance to come and get him because he already had all the pain medicine she could give. Immediately, Harold was cured! He began joking with the nurse and got quiet for the rest of the night. Now for anyone that has never been in a nursing home, the thing is almost every night there is a different R.N. The rest of the staff remains the same but a lot of the nurses are "agency nurses" so the next night we had a different nurse, Harold started up again. Now, I would venture this guess: Harold tries this every time there is a nurse change. I know this place can be cold and lonely and I really feel for Harold but if I don't get some sleep soon the men in the funny white coats are going to come with a new jacket for me!

Broken hearts...

2005-03-22T04:30:00.000-08:00

This blog started as a way of venting about the loss of love. Well, today I just want to offer my condolences to all the families in Minnesota who suffered tragic losses in the Red Lake High School tragedy. I could go into a long speech about bullying or parental responsibility, but the bottom line is people died in a terrible tragic way. I am sure that today of all days, when the funeral homes in the area are probably swamped with grieving families, speculation seems hollow.

I would be remiss if I did not also offer my condolences to the family and friends of Jessica Lunsford. As we watch the news, comment on how tragic these stories are, and go on with our daily lives, we must remember that someone's children are dead. The things that we take for granted like taking our kids to school, watching them grow, the first date, will be loss on these parents because someone decided that the worth of these children was non-existant. Today, I look at what society has become and I bow my head in tearful shame.

Critical thinking or just critically conceited...

2005-03-22T04:01:00.000-08:00

I once prided myself on being an intellectual. I read all the right books, watched PBS, even joined PBS as a member. I tried all the cliches that intellectuals indulge in. Yesterday I resigned my membership to the intellectuals of the world. Why would I want to joined the common, average thinkers? Because intellectuals suck! I refuse to suck any longer! My revelation came after reading the first chapter of the most pretentious, condescending book I have ever had the displeasure to own. Why would I buy such a book? One word: SCHOOL! By now I am sure you are wondering what this "book" is. It is the textbook to my ever so abrasive critical thinking class. Basically, the first chapter spends about 40 pages trying to convince the reader that he/she is a complete idiot and that only the authors can rescue the world from its own stupidity.This is an actual quote from "Critical Thinking" by Brooke Noel Moore and Richard Parker: "Clear thinking requires an effort and doesn't always come naturally. But one can get better at it if one is willing to work a bit and accept guidance here and there. We hope this textbook, in conjunction with whatever course you may be using it in, will help you develop some of the skills required to form intelligent opinions, make good decisions, and determine the best course of action--as well as recognize when someone else's reasoning is faulty or manipulative." Damn, this is a good book! It took all of 5 paragraphs for me to realize how to recognize being manipulated---manipulated by the authors of this frigging book. They did an excellent job of proving their point by just "manipulating" the publisher into publishing their "faulty" book! Ironic huh?

Honorable mention...

2005-03-18T03:55:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank t for mentioning and linking my blog on his! Thanks t!

Will they ever listen...

2005-03-18T02:14:00.000-08:00

Since I am writing this at 5:15am on Friday I will refer this to yesterday. Wow what a crazy day in "the home". It started out in a fog. As reported in yesterday's post, sleep is a rare commodity in here. I was awakened as usual by the loud procession of laundry workers who for some reason have to bring the finished laundry to the upstairs through an outside door which causes them to pass my window. Now they could choose to realize that everything around here is made out of paper including the "glass" windows. However, that does not happen. As I stated in my prior post then came my friendly neighborhood shift workers, all of whom I love but hate their arrival. So my day gets going in a sleepless stupor, as usual. Next thing I know here comes the breakfast tray. Well, because I am on a restricted diet, I sent my tray back to "Chef Tell" so that I could get a more appropriate (not to mention pre-ordered, oops but I guess I am mentioning it) meal. Well what I got was coffee which I do not drink, a banana that was rotten when I peeled it, a teabag, and some yogurt which was the fruit on the bottom kind which I can't stand because of all that sugary goo on the bottom. Now, it may be me, and I do not go to Starbucks, but is coffee-tea a new beverage in the chic world of beveragedom? Just pondering. Anyway, so I decided not to eat needless to say. Hey, I figured if I was gonna throw up why waste it on a lackluster if not nauseating meal. So I left everything on my tray. So just then the attendant comes in to pick up my tray, and she outs me to Nurse Ratchett #1! I hear her say "Nah she did not eat anything, but then again she rarely does." Immediately here comes Ratchett with my daily drugs and a biting "Now you know you need to eat, you are going to make yourself sick!" Hmm...does anyone get the irony if not stupidity of this staement? Well for the irony impaired here goes. 1.I am already sick...enough said. 2.Coffee-tea, a rotten banana, and nauseating yogurt...enough said. So anyway around ten the OT comes in and says "I'll be back after your bath" and sends in the NA to help me with my bath. Now for those of you who have no idea what a bed- bath entails let me help you. The NA brings a bowl of water, rags, soap, and other items to facilitate the "bath". Well, this would be ok in theory accept now I am expected to sit on the side of the bed for this. So, I get myself over to the side of the bed painstakingly, and in case I did not mention breaking my leg in several places, consider yourselves informed, and this is when the fun begins. The rule of thumb around here is that the "staff" are supposed to knock, wait for you to say come in, and THEN COME IN. Well around here it is knock then just throw the door open. Well of course the only time that Grand Central Station is on active duty is when I am sitting on the side of the bed starkers! Of course the staff has seen a million naked people but I am not used to being on display in this way and it sucks. There are guys working here too. Anyway back to the matter at hand, I guess for this story to really make an impact I must mention that I am 5'11. Well, 5'10 3/4. But I digress, anyway, therapy tries once again to sell me on the brilliant idea that I need to try to stand up. No working up to it just stand up. Well, then they get the idea that even though I am really tall, the bed is too high for me to get the proper leverage to push myself up. So they decide to lower the bed way down close to the floor. Hmm...can you see where this is going? No? Well let me exlain, pushing a broken leg and bed ridden body off the floor from 6 inches off the floor is like an elephant trying to stand from a kids chair. Ain't happenin'. So I humor them and as I try to push off with my gimpy leg and my "good" one I come very close to falling. Then generic OT #1 says, "Wow I thought for sure that would work!" Then sayeth generic OT #2, "The insurance company said you really need to stand up!" Then she proceeds to give me the most disgusted look. Now I do not know and it may be me but, I think my legs are gonna make the final decision sorry Mr. Insurance Decision Maker Man. After that, they had to get me back in bed and they left, after that, a group of NA's who by the way are very protective of me, came in and we proceeded to make fun of the OTs for about 2 hours LOL. Well I laughed so hard yesterday that the NA's are afraid that they will be transferred! Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not mention this. In a very Rod Serling type way, I was sitting here typing on my computer which faces the door and all of a sudden, the paramedics whizzed by my door and reappeared a few minutes later wheeling Marilyn the curmudgeon out on a guerney. About an hour later, Gloria from accross the hall gets removed in the same manner. Now I'm thinking wow that's odd. when about 20 minutes later, another patient is taken out. Now I realize that this is a Nursing Home and things like this happen, but three? Nuh uh! They come back and get a fourth! Now my mind is going into over drive...is it "The Plague", "Black Death", "Typhoid"? One of the NA's comes in and says, "You know, that's the first time they all went within hours of each other, normally when Marilyn pulls the "hospital stunt", they at least wait till the next day to join her!" You know what? If it gets them a free outing from the nursing home, I say "Rock on Fogies, Rock on!"
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Dropped like a stone...

2005-03-17T17:39:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first of the hopefully few pity parties I through for myself. I know I can gripe on this blog pretty well, but this was an out an out hanky hoedown! After a ridiculous day of painful therapies, my sister-in-law called with her saga, my kids called crying, my brother got into it with my mother and of course called me while I was vomitting from drugs, and my mom called yelling because I had my computer on and she called my cell and could not reach me! Well, I figured I would go to bed after American Idol and just get some rest! Right? Wrong! As soon as my head hit the pillow, my sister-in-law called, followed by two different friends from Cali and a third from Mexico. Being polite I took all the calls and remembered that I had an assignment to turn in. Just as I hit send to post my assignment, Marilyn, the resident 80 year old curmudgeon at "the home" was on one of her nightly rampages. Well, by this time I was so fatigued that my eyes were crossed and I just lost it! Tears began to flow and I just could not stop crying. I cried for a good two hours then my friend Cesar called and was not having it. Cesar is an ex drill sgt. turned EMT, and he takes no mess! Within minutes I felt a lot calmer and was on my way to LaLa Land when I got this overwhelming urge to write my final paper for the class that I had to beg professor wonderful for an incomplete in. I stayed up till 6 turned the paper and settled down for a nice sleep---not quite. Before I knew it, the first shift staff was loudly arriving and I just decided to forget it...Well that was yesterday! Today was a day for posting also but that will have to wait as Nurse Ratchett is here with torture pills!

Therapy, therapy, and more therapy...

2005-03-14T16:58:00.000-08:00

Whoever invented therapies ie: physical, occupational, chemo etc...must have invented psycho- therapy as an after thought. With all the therapies I am engaged in now, I will definitely need the latter before all is said and done. I thought I was really doing something with the 45 minutes I have been doing. The insurance company called today and told the nursing home that I need 3 hours of straight therapy a day. Yeah right! Last night I was so frigging fatigued from all the vomitting and weight lifting that I could not even type my assignments for school. My legs feel like wet noodles all the time from me not being allowed out of bed for a month and now I am told I will have to go on oxygen at night. I am the youngest person here and it really gets to me to see 80 year olds whizzing down the halls while I am bed bound. Enough complaining now! I sent the kid's a sh*tload of toys and candy and snacks. Hell, if you can't have your Mom, why not party while she is gone! Rock on kids, rock on! Well here comes Nurse Ratchett to do one of her very unfriendly duties so I'll hush for now. P.S.-Send edibles somebody, anybody!

Psychoanalysis,Chefs, and Smoke...

2005-03-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

All my life I have been the sensible one. The sensible friend. The sensible daughter. The sensible sister. The sensible mother. I must have one of those faces that says "Please bare your soul to me, I have all the answers." Since I can remember everyone I meet seeks my advice within two minutes of meeting. I have always tried to be encouraging and responsive to peoples needs. I never divulge peoples business because I would not want anyone to do that to me. However, since this is a journal and since the chance of anyone that knows me reading this is slim, I am going to break my own rule right here. In the past month that I have been couped up, I have learned about three extra-marital affairs, a nurse with all sorts of medical issues, two Nursing Assistants with ADHD, another NA who won't get her son tested for Autism because she is denying his symptoms, a maintenance man who is the resident"stud" , and a fellow ptient who is about 80 who curses the staff out daily because they won't let her have her machete and cigarette lighter. There are more examples but I think you get the gist. The funny part of all of this is, none of this is from people gossiping about others. These stories all have come from the parties involved! I said all of that to say this. I should change my major to psychology because I bet I could earn a better living at that than writing. On another note, the lovely nursing home has hired a chef from a fancy restaurant to cook the meals. He started yesterday, and made a very tasty chicken dish. It was not what was on our menus but it was very good. As I anxiously awaited lunch to see what fabulous fare would come, I felt gleeful that there would finally be edible cuisine! The moment of truth arrived...I lifted the lid off my plate...and guess what? Four puny little dried up fish sticks! Fish sticks that were actually burnt on the bottom! For a fleeting moment yesterday when I was told about the culinary boy wonder I was elated, bt then I kinda wondered why a chef would leave a prestigious restaurant to work at a small low paying nursing home. After eating the fish sticks I see why. He was probably invited to leave by his last employer. Lastly, I mentioned above about the old lady next door who wanted her cigarette lighter. This woman is enough to scare a mafia (I know the mafia is a myth, but humor me) hitman. She pushes herself around in a big black wheelchair and barks orders at everyone and goes into tyrades about everything. Well, there is a ventilation duct on the wall between our rooms and I can hear and smell everything from her room. Yesterday, I thought I was smelling smoke being the youngest patient in this place everyone tends to listen to me. I called for the NA and she smelled it too. She ran to the old ladies room and found a cigarette lighter in her hand and a pack of cigarettes under her pillow. A lit cigarette burning in an ashtray that was sitting on her bed! If I don't starve to death in this place, I'm going to burn in an inferno! Well maybe that is a little melodramatic, but shucks I miss home!

Slippery floors and fate...

2005-03-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

This has been an extra crazy time for me. I have been and still am in a nursing home. Yeah you read right! Imagine slipping on a floor tearing and breaking everything in your leg and then finding out you have a slew of other stuff and ending up in a nursing home. Well, at least I have my computer right? Well, the list of things that I don't have is what is driving me insane. The ability to get out of this bed for one. My kids for another. Edible food...well I won't even go there. Medication free days. But what i do have is the love of family members, well minus one anyway and about 50 friends that bring me to tears with their care and concern all in all given the circumstances, I feel blessed! But I am sure I will be set free soon, as soon as the tortuous therapies are done...

Blog the anger away part 2...

2005-02-14T16:04:00.000-08:00

Well the school saga continues. Going to my email this bright an early am, what do i find? Valentines? No. Well wishes from internet pals? No. An email from a certain professor/genius? Umm, could be...

So I go into my mail right, and there are two emails from "him". One tells me to complete the assignment that is now 3 days overdue through no fault of mine. The other is giving me my incomplete for not finishing the assignment. I have nwever gotten an incomplete before. This almost mad as angry as when the professor/genius gave me a score of 25/30 telling me i had a great thesis statement. So when i asked him why I only got 25 for a "great" thesis statement, he says " 25/30 is the highest possible grade, if you got a 30 what would be the point of you taking the class?" WTF? If that makes sense to anyone, please tell me. The upside is there are only two more weeks of this class!

Did I mention I got no Valentines? Not a one? Ok pity party is officially done! LOL.

Blog the anger away...

2005-02-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

Boy, is today going to suck! I have mass house cleaning to do, our Persuasive Writing Professor is a jerk and so is the classmate that he teamed me with and a stupid argument until 6 this morning has me all warm and fuzzy inside! Here's the deal with class: I pride myslf on turning my assignments in on time. In most case I turn them in very early. So at the beginning of the week I always check the syllabus to see what's coming. Well for some reason I checked the syllabus last week in advance for this week. Last week, the rough draft for our final paper was due to be emailed as an attachment to the professor by midnight Sunday. After watching the Super Bowl I went into Microsoft Word and realized that I had minimized my paper but not saved it so when I started typing my cover page ...poof! Here comes an error message..."Microsoft word has encountered a problem and close. All unsaved work will be lost."
After I cried for ten minutes, I quickly rewrote the paper and emailed it off. Then I checked the syllabus and saw that in the following week we were t6o send our rough draft to a classmate of the professors choosing to receive a "peer review". What did I do, of course I sent mine off. Considerate, HUH? Well, the assignment was to be done by Friday with the reviewed copy sent in along with the review. However, Professor Smarty Britches, puts in the syllabus that the paper should be sent on Friday to the peer and reviewed and turned in on Friday. When I received no paper by Wednesday, I wrote to my peer and received no response. I wrote to my Professor on Thursday and what did I get in return? An email hastily telling me to just review the "attached" paper and send it back to him. Well guess what? My professor, the one with all the letters and initials and citations behind his name; forgot to attach a paper for me to review. Well considering this was Friday at 3pm I sent him an email telling him that there was no attachment. As of this post, I have gotten no paper from my peer or professor for an assignment that was due last night.
Looking ahead in my syllabus again, guess what my next assignment is? Rewriting my rough draft incorporating my peer's comments and the professors! YAY! Guess what the assignment before the peer review was? We had to write two paragraphs on why it is so important to use the peer review technique to help us with our final paper. Guess who wrote the most eloquent paragraphs about this topic? My lovely review partner who never sent me her paper! Add this to a friend calling me from California and keeping me on the phone arguing until 6am over something totally retarded and you get a fine Saturday!

School, school go away...

2005-02-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

School days, school days dear old golden rule days...yeah right! My professors seem to be having the battle of the ridiculous assignments. We have spent the last five writing assignments doing what I call exercises in redundancy. How many ways can you explain plagiarism? Ask me I know!

Well, in other and more pressing news, still no Valentine! I've tried everything from Valentines-R-Us to www.sendmechocolateandflowersonfebruary14th.com ! No takers, what does a girl have to do? Maybe there is some guy out there planning to send me an elaborate "secret admirer" valentine's day gift. More likely my true love will get hit by a truck on February 13th on his way to where ever destiny would have thrown us together. Wow what a gallant way to die! I love you sweetheart wherever you are, and they say that getting hit by a truck really does not hurt too badly if you die on impact. I'll cross my fingers that you won't suffer. I only wish you could meet me first and see how considerate I am!

Meanwhile Back at the Ranch...

2005-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

You know I have been trying to keep this blog away from news stories because I figured there are enough bloggers doing the opinion thing. That being said why does Ohio keep begging me to go there? Here's the story:

Ohio Supreme Court justice in DUI flapAssociated Press
COLUMBUS, Ohio - A justice on the Ohio Supreme Court was charged with driving under the influence after several people reported a motorist driving erratically.
Justice Alice Robie Resnick failed field sobriety tests Monday, Highway Patrol Lt. Rick Zwayer said Tuesday. Zwayer said "a strong odor of alcohol was detected" on the 65-year-old justice.
Her driver's license was automatically suspended because she refused to take a blood-alcohol content test, he said.
Driving under the influence can result in a penalty of three days to six months in jail, a fine of $250 to $1,000 and license suspension of up to three years.
Court officials said there is no automatic disciplinary action for a judge charged with driving under the influence.
Resnick did not return a call seeking comment.
The former prosecutor has voted in a handful of decisions involving drunken driving cases. In 1996, she wrote the majority opinion in a case that said police do not have to tell drunken driving suspects that they have the right to a second, independent blood alcohol test.

What this story failed to mention was that not only did she get stopped for DUI, but she tried to beg her way out of the citation. At that point the officers told her she would have to go with them to the station, which is when she made the absolutely briliant decision to get in her car and drive away! Ohio is really going for a record of blunders and stupidity.

On a lighter note, I am taking applications for Valentine's...hint I love raspberry lotion, chocolates, and Calla Lilies!

Is it me?..

2005-01-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

Is it me, or is the internet dating scene getting crazier? I believe that true love can come in any form and from any place on the globe. With all the billions of people in the world who knows , maybe your true love is on an island far away in a hut with a laptop! That being said, I just don't get why there is a small minority of people on the net that think after three IM's or a couple of emails that true loe has come and they will die without the person in question.

Take for instance this week, yours truly received 3 declarations of love and 1 very indecent proposal! Why? Because I answered a question on a message board. What was the question? "Tell us about your ideal mate!" Well after the whole Rob thing I figured I would answer the thing with a funny answer. Here is my list, you be the judge if these answers deserved bequeaths of undying love and lust...

1. A guy must be absolutely abusive to his Mom, that way I can treat him how ever I want and not worry about him comparing me to her.

2. The guy must never care about his appearance! No metro-sexuals for me! I like a slob, showering twice a week is too much!

3. Kick all of your friends to the curb if you wanna be my guy. I like my guy to cling to me like static cling. I want them to be life-free so we can shop all the time. Togetherness forever I say!

4. I'm SHALLOW! When referring back to number 2 (see above) that does not mean that I want anything less than a beautiful Adonis! Hey I may not be a raving beauty but that does not mean I should settle for my physical equal! If you don't turn heads, you won't turn mine!

5. I break up with guys before all major holidays! However, if you sign on as my guy you are still obligated to send gifts! Please do not expect a gift from me as I am faking anger at you! Don't worry, a couple of weeks after said holiday you will get a very impersonal email or letter inviting you back into my good graces but "suggesting" an appropriate make up gift for you to bring with!

6. I am very vain! I need to be told you love me at least 35 times a day. If you are having an important meeting at work, expect a "Do you still love me?" call right when the big boss is about to ask you for your presentation. When I ask you to say "I love you" out loud remember it is you that cannot live without me so just do it!

7. You know all of those annoying little habits you have like paying the bills BEFORE you take out fun money? Nuh uh! That is just not the way I roll! I require at least 3 very expensive dates per week. On weeks that I pick a fight you better figure in at least 2 more days.

8.On our many shopping excursions; since I am letting you pay, it is only right for you to help in the fitting room. This is what I need. Since I am allowing you to replace my girlfriends, I need you to try on the clothes. This serves two purposes; one I can get a rough idea of what they look like on me, and two I can tell if you are batting for the other team! If you look better than me and that hot pink number and you know a little too much about accessorizing...well you know!

9. I expect to have every phone number in your address book. This includes but is not limited to: your mom, your dad, your sisters, brothers, best friend, close acquaintances, relatives; distant and close, your boss, his wife, his secretary, your doctor, dentist, psychiatrist?, drug rehab counselor, AA sponsor, mentor, minister, guru, ex-wives, girlfrinds, lovers, and one night stands. This would include both work and home numbers plus any cell numbers. A girl has to be able to keep in touch you know!

10. Last but not least, and most importantly. you must have a fabulous car for me to borrow. I know what you guys are thinking wow, a girl after my own heart! Yes fellas you must drive something fab! As a matter of fact, let me help you pick it out: I see you driving a really cool sports job! With all the bells and whistles like a huge lighted makeup mirror under both sun visors. A cd player with all the latest from Celine, Whitney, and Luther. Any song about needing a hero or finding my true destiny would be an added bonus. A really cool ashtray in front with all those "loose" tens and twenties that were left over from your last trip to the ATM machine. And the biggest feature, a huge backseat for me and my girls to load up and roll to the club. We need cool wheels don't you think, and ample space to chenge clothes in the backseat would be a plus!

Now I know love can come at any moment but really! That message board post got mass responses and just trying to be friendly I responded back and boy did I start something. Ain't love grand?!

Snowy surprise?...

2005-01-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

I don't get it! With all the dopplers and the weather thing-a mijigs, how could a storm of this proportion go totally undetected? We have been battered once again by snow only this time it was a surprise? And if that is not bad enough we are expecting another huge storm to come thru tomorrow and Saturday. Maybe this has something to do with Wright- Patt and there experiments. I don't know but I'm just sayin'...
The other thing on my mind is the innaugural. I was not going to say a thing because this is not a political blog. But, I had to feel for all of those High school kids who saved money and sold candy bars to see it then were not allowed in. Some of these classes apparently some were invited by the Pentagon and some by the White House. I sure hope they at least get some jolly time popcorn or something!

Godspeed...

2005-01-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

In this world we meet many people, some we like some we don't and some that totally inspire us. For me Rev. James Reed was one of those people. At a time when I was going through some very serious issues in my life, he was always there with a kind word, advice or just quiet calmness. If ever there was a person that I considered a mentor in my life, it was this man. When my brother called me last night to inform me of his death, I was stunned yet also ashamed. Ashamed that I never embraced the chance to let Rev, Reed know the impact that he made on my life. When my father died, Rev. Reed had just moved into the house behind ours we already knew him from church and he dropped everything and sat up all night with my mom and I and this was the just beginning of his impact on me. There were countless times when I needed his advice. Thank you Rev. Reed, I love you.

From the local newspaper:

James Reed, disc jockey and preacher
Many musicians transition from Gospel music to rock 'n' roll. James "Sony" Malcolm Reed Sr. went the other way.
Mr. Reed, 75, of Kennedy Heights, became a disc jockey for WCIN in Cincinnati in 1956, where he became widely known as "Big Jim Reed." He also joined the Brown Chapel AME Church in Walnut Hills and sang in the choir. He died Wednesday at Christ Hospital.
While a choir member, he realized he wanted to preach. He pastored churches for more than 40 years, including St. Paul AME Church in Milford, a small church heated by a pot-bellied stove; the Allen Chapel AME Church in College Hill; Payne Chapel AME Church in Hamilton; St. Stephen AME Church in Evanston and Bethel AME Church in Lockland.
One of his favorite sayings was "sho nuff," said his daughter, Renee Reed Micou. He was a mentor to a friend of hers, the Rev. Laura Foster, who is dedicating a sermon to him entitled "sho nuff."
At various times, Mr. Reed also worked for the Heidelberg Distributing Co. in Queensgate, the Keebler Co. and housing authorities in Ohio and West Virginia. In his spare time, he liked to read and bowl. He bowled for more than 40 years. Until his recent illness, he taught classes at Temple Bible College in Avondale, where he was working on a master of divinity degree.
Other survivors include his wife of 55 years, Constance Jewell Swett Reed; a son, James Jr.; two grandchildren; three great-grandchildren; two step-grandchildren; and two step-great-grandchildren.
Visitation is from 10 a.m. Monday until the 11 a.m. funeral at Allen Temple AME Church in Bond Hill. Burial: Rest Haven Memorial Park.
•

The WTF? moment of the millenium....

2005-01-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just can't pass up a good laugh...this is a completely true! Thankfully this blogger has absolutely no connection with Wright -Patt Air Force Base but it just goes to show that Ohio is not going to be content until it is the laughing stock of the world. I think this helps in that quest...

Gay-sex bomb? Maybe it wasn't a great idea
Researcher's memo pondered use of strange weapons

By Timothy R. Gaffney
Dayton Daily News
WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE Wright-Patterson is making weird-science news again, but not about space aliens or teleportation.
This time, it's the gay-sex bomb.
A memo posted on the Internet reveals Wright-Pat researchers in 1994 proposed developing chemical weapons to harass, annoy or identify enemy fighters without killing them.
One proposal was for what the unidentified memo writer called "strong aphrodisiacs" that would break down discipline and morale — "especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."
The memo is real but nothing ever came of it, a spokesman for the Defense Department's Joint Non Lethal Weapons Directorate said Friday.
"They don't exist. Those weapons never saw the light of day," Marine Capt. Dan McSweeney said.
Until now.
A Texas-based organization called the Sunshine Project recently posted the memo on its Internet site with other declassified Pentagon documents about weapons of mass destruction research.
The memo quickly found its way to the media.
"The Americans were considering developing chemical weapons that made enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to one another," the London Daily Mail reported on its Internet site, dailymail.co.uk.
An Air Force Research Laboratory spokeswoman admitted getting numerous calls from the media but referred queries to the Pentagon.
Inquiries about strange science aren't new at Wright-Pat.
For decades, rumors persisted that the Wright-Pat-based Foreign Technology Division — now the National Air and Space Intelligence Center — was storing space aliens recovered from a 1947 flying saucer crash in Roswell, N.M.
In November, USA Today reported that AFRL paid $25,000 to a consultant to study "psychic teleportation" — moving yourself from one place to another just by willing it to happen.
In the nonlethal weapons memo, Wright-Pat researchers pondered three types of "Harassing, Annoying and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals."
One would "attract annoying creatures to the enemy position and make the creatures aggressive and annoying."
Another was for an invisible marker "that was not obvious to humans but would be obvious to trained dogs or special detecting equipment." The memo suggested it could also be a substitute for the red dye that banks use to stain money and robbers.
The third category proposed "chemicals that affect human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected.
"One distasteful but completely nonlethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior," it said.
It also proposed a chemical to make personnel "very sensitive to sunlight."
The memo projected it would cost $7.5 million over five years to develop the weapons.
An AFRL statement issued Friday said the memo resulted from a request "to brainstorm on possible nonlethal techniques for controlling a hostile person(s) and gather these ideas for further consideration."
The Defense Department in the early 1990s "received literally hundreds of proposals for different (nonlethal weapon) systems, and admittedly some of them are rather nontraditional," McSweeney said.
"However, I can assure you none of the weapon systems described in that proposal were ever pursued for development. They certainly don't exist now, and they don't meet the stringent review process that the Non Lethal Weapons Directorate follows for health effects, international treaties or legal considerations," he said.
AFRL is developing a nonlethal weapon that uses microwaves to create intense pain on the skin, which could be used to turn back advancing troops or break up hostile crowds.
• On the net
Document: Harassing, Annoying and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals: sunshine-project.org/incapacitants/jnlwdpdf/wpafbchem.pdf

Silly Mood...

2005-01-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

Hey here are a couple of fun things to check out!

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/starbucksdomination.html

and

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/fruitcake_lady/fruitcake_lady_page2.shtml

Musings of Andy...

2005-01-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have always liked Andy Rooney of Sixty Minutes. Now I know why...

This definitely bears reading:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting..

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage. --Andy Rooney

Not too much going on...

2005-01-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well, this week has been kind of dull. Not much to blog other than I posted some of my poetry at www.poemhunter.com. Of course after posting I tried to search for the poems and they did not show up in the right place. I have come to the conclusion that I am the world's least likely to succeed with computers. I embarked upon a new career path this week but since it is naughty in nature I will just smile. Anyhow, not much else to report so till next time keep stopping by!

Tide is turning...

2005-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well I have rested in your support long enough. I know that it is time for action. I need to get backto writing, and it won't get done unless I do it! There have been so many inquiries about the "book" and I have not typed in forever it seems. Well, I better get to it, and I hope to see you all at a book signing near you!

Thanks...

2005-01-05T06:02:00.000-08:00

Trying to get through this has been rough, but the kindness of the blogging public at large overwhelms me. Just so that you all will know it does make tis a lot easier to get your comments. The trick has been avoiding Rob altogether. I did take a step though, and I hope it is in the right direction. I closed all email accounts that Rob might reach me through and changed my phone numbers. I know this may sound extreme but since the consensus is from most people including friends and family members not to mention scads of bloggers, that Rob will eventually realise what he lost and try to make contact. He knows about this blog but chances are he will not have the guts to post a message for me. So hopefully this pretty much eliminates any chance for Rob to contact me or for me to weaken and contact him.

Done...caput...finite...over...done...and adios

2005-01-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well, somethings come full circle. Those of you who have been faithful to the saga of Rob and Lin will find this post to either the be the most heartbreaking or most satisfyint! It depends on your point of view. I have just spent the last 3 days crying my eyes out and just now decided to return to life. The Rob saga as I now am forced to call it, has taken an evil turn in many ways. the truth of the matter is, on New Years Day after Rob and I were laughing and joking about among other things marriage, we got on the subject of Valentine's Day.

I wanted to find out what Rob might like and start preparing things early. So I asked the question that came crashing down around my head," What kind of naughty video would you like?" Still laughing from all the other stuff I said it half heartedly. His response "I like them all except for black girls, they turn me off." Now, for all of you people that don't think that was a bad enough comment in and of itself, please click the "X" in the upper corner. For those of you who are wondering how this effects me read on.

I must tell you at this point that what Rob saw was a very light woman with long straight hair, green eyes, and killer dimples...(well since all of this killed me I deserve the dimple concession)...Apparently Rob assumed that I was Latina as he is Latino. It never occured to him that his sweet lovely Lin could be black. After choking back my lunch and feeling nausea unlike any I had before I say "Rob I thought you knew."

Of course he says "Knew what." "That I am black." "What!" "What did you think I was?" "Latina! Why didn't you tell me?" "I thought once you saw me you knew, everyone else knows." Then click. He won't see me, talk to me, call me. Yet in the middle of the night I got an ecard telling me how much he misses me. Then i get a brief IM stating simply, my family would never accept you. Take care. Rob is 32 years old, this is 2005. I guess there is a lesson in this somewhere but right now I fail to see it.

...

2004-12-31T05:22:00.000-08:00

this love is not what it needs to be,
no flowers or candy or romance for me,
spending special days alone
waiting by the telephone

i'm told you love me oh so true,
but what in the world is love to you
being a man is no excuse
for letting my heart hang so loose

you say just wait the time will come,
i've waited and you have not thrown a crumb
all i wanted was some small token
a card or letter or soft word spoken

but then he came with words so new
with romance and kindness we never knew
and try though he might to turn my head
i still held on to what you said

now here it is this new years eve,
you and your friends about to leave
you think I'm at home with a tear in my eye
hell no, I'm with the other guy...

The New Year's Debaucle...Plus Jan...

2004-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well, another year has come and gone and what the New Year's celebration be without drama? First, after a few months of breaking up and making up with Rob, I was glad when Christmas was done so that I could settle in to a nice New Year with festive feelings for a new beginning...Nuh uh...I have been talking to Rob daily for the past two weeks and the other day it occured to me we had not made plans. So, two days ago I say, "So, what are we doing for New Year's?"

Big pause. Ackward silence. Not good. Rob's reply "I'm going out with the guys and I was going to call you at midnight from the club to wish you a Happy New Year." No apology in the voice. Just matter of fact tones. Well, needless to say I was stunned. I got no card for Christmas, we went through it about that. Now we will be separated on probably the most romantic holiday besides Valentine's Day. Well, after we were finished "discussing" this, a good male friend of mine called and asked what Rob and I were doing for the New Year. Embarrassed and hurt I tell him "Nothing." Well Lee immediately chimes in with "Good, I was going to invite you over here anyway." Fast forward to last night. Of course I inform Roberto that his plans are ok because I have plans of my own. Shock of all shocks he blows up!

Well, after talking it out we will NOT be spending the Night together as a couple but, I get this consellation prize...and I quote..."I am only going out with the guys because this will be the very last time. 2005 will be your year." Ain't he sweet! Well your damn skippy this will be my year...

And on a lighter note, I am happily sleeping this am when the phone rings at 8:15. It is my 73-year-old mom, Jan. Now my mom has lived a very good life, never had financial troubles, had a loving husband for 40 years and is now widowed. There is just one thing Jan has never had luck with, cars and driving. Well let me restate that cars and driving have had no luck with Jan. A little background, my mom has wrecked and I mean totalled every car she has owned. She has had a Chevy Belair, a Dodge Duster, a Tempo, a Nova, a Ford Station Wagon, a Plymouth of some kind , a Chevy Chevelle, A Chevette and I am sure I missed a few. Well today marked a new era for Jan.

Back to the phone call, I pick up the phone a little groggy and this was the convo:
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me guess what happened?"
"I don't know Mom, tell me."
"Well, I wanted to go to the store so I was pulling the car out and I did not notice that the snow plow guy had made a huge pile of snow at the foot of the driveway. So, knowing I could not get past I decided to drive down the sidewalk to the neighbor's so I could go out through his driveway."
Well, at this point I was unsure how to react but it came out in hysterical laughter. So I had to ask,"Ok. Where is the car now?"
"Stuck between the front lawn and the sidewalk. Can you call someone to shovel it out?" Did I mentiion she had 14 inches of snow in her yard from last weeks storm?

Next conversation: "Hey Michelle when you get this call, can you call be ASAP. Mom has an emergency and I need your help."
Phone rings it is my sister-in-law Michelle, "Hey Lin, whats up?" After laughing and explaining, I finally get the dilemma across. And after a couple of "WTF"s on her part she stops laughing and agrees to meet my niece there to help. I call Mom and all is well...or is it? On the way there Michelle makes a wonderful discovery, she has lost her driver's license.

After going to the last place she remembered having it which was the bank she was lucky enough to get it back. Upon arriving at Mom's house Michelle found said stuck vehicle in a bed of snow and she and my niece proceeded to dig the car out. However apparently Jan had revved the car so much that she had dug a 2 ft hole into the lawn. In the spring she will ahv e a lovely reminder of the day's fun and folly!

2004-12-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

Question of the day...

2004-12-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

I have a hypothetical question. If a guy says he is "romantic" and tells you all the great things he did for his past love, then proceeds to act as romantic as a first date at the dentist office, what should be garnered from this? I have another question if a couple decides not to exchange gifts for Christmas, does that mean that there should be no cards, letters, emails, or anything? Just food for thought...

Aww shucks...

2004-12-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

My attempt at shaping my last post as a X-mas tree failed dismally! I spent 45 minutes trying to figure it out lol. It looked like a tree in the creation stage but turned out like that, oh well I tried.

Snow, snow go away...

2004-12-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

The
snow is
beautiful, but
for my Mom makes
a very sad day. You see
our family always celebrates
Christmas on Christmas Eve. My
sister-in-laws birthday has always
made this day even more fun, but this
year, because of about 12 inches of snow
we have decided not to do Christmas Eve.My
Mom is a little sad but we
all have vowed to have a game night during the coming week. We love game night and have "Scene-It" this year so it should be great fun! Happy Holidays!

Tidings of great joy...

2004-12-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well, life could not be better...we are up to our knees in snow, will definitely have a white Christmas and Roberto heard all of your pleas! This will be a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year and I owe it all to some wonderful people who cared enough to intercede on behalf of someone they did not even know! I lovingly thank everyone and yes I even thank you Matt! The only down side to all of this is being holed up in the house with 3 over anxious Christmas enthusiasts that are 10 and under. Togetherness is not always what it is cracked up to be! The city is on almost complete lockdown and we are admonished not to drive unless absolutely necessary...if my children don't stop bugging me about opening presents early...a trip to the emergency room is going to be absolutely necessary! Well, that's all for now I have things to bake...

"The talk"...

2004-12-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Well, we had "the talk" last night. It was very good in some ways and in other ways a little frustrating. I understood where Rob was coming from with some of his points and with others I just decided that my best course of action was to listen and not reply. The bottom line is that he is not ready to plunge back in yet but asked me to leave the door open in case he decides to return. Given any other circumstances I would say to myself "yeah right!" But I know that this guy is very special and Rob and I both know how he fits in to my past even before he came on the scene.

Once again I am astonished at the fact that a group of people who know nothing about me rallied around when I really needed them! Thanks to one and all and now if anyone has a shovel...the blizzard has come! Keep on doing that blog thing guys and peace to you all in this time of turmoil in the world.

A Step Closer...

2004-12-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

Ok here is the latest folks...keep up the great work...he has agreed to talk! And that is a start, he will call when he gets back home tonight. So in approximately 45 minutes I should know my fate. My palms are sweaty and my stomach feels like I reached in and turned it inside out. To all of those that pitched in thank you and come to my blog anytime you need me and I mean that! In the meantime a little extra edge never hurts...so those of you who have not left a comment please do so it helps.

An Appeal,,,

2004-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Almost three months ago, I met the man of my dreams. Being very stupid, I screwed things up. This was the beginning of this blog. Now, after a week of misunderstandings which led to probably the most heinous and insensitive thing that I could have done to "him", we broke up. Now I know you are thinking "so what". "People break up everyday!"

Well, Rob is not just a person he is a very special person. He has stuck by me through many things in just a short period of time. Without his encouragement my writing would be in my head instead saved on many discs. He is kind, romantic (so he says) lol, and he is just down right hilarious to be around. He knows how to make me have multiple...well let's just say that I have no complaints in the amourous dept. He knew that I could have no more kids and with me having 4 already he did not run away.

Why am I writing all of this? I need help, I did a really hurtful thing and Rob was forced to end our relationship. Now I know that there are tons of trollers out there. I am appealing to you to come to my rescue. Why should you do that? I have no good reason to offer other than I love him and it is Christmas and we should be together. If you have ever seen a great love story and loved the happy ending help Rob and I have this now.

What can you do? Leave comments...tell Rob why you think he should or should not take me back...empahasis on the "should" would be so much better for me! Now I hate to sink low but I have been trolling blogs for a few years and I have always left very encouraging remarks for people who were depressed, ill, or just downright mean! I am calling in a favor now! Please help me appeal to Rob...thanks in advance to the great people in cyberland...

Sick of being sick...

2004-12-17T06:56:00.000-08:00

This week has been the week from hell. After I made another error of judgement he forgave me again and of course it made me feel like crap. On Tuesday, after only two days fo the hiatus, I get a text message saying, "I need you, I know you said a week but I am feeling really stressed, can I call you tonight?" So of course I said yes. Well being in a very long distance relationship sucks enough as it is but the 3 hour time difference really bites. Anyway "he" does not get out of class until 10:00pm and that is 1am here. Now don't get me wrong he is well worth staying up for. But, this particular night I waited until 2:30am and no call. So I fired off a text message asking if he was ok...nothing no response. So I figured he either went to sleep and forgot me or something happened. But then my sickening female insensibilities kicked in and I decided to go visit a friend to blow off steam. Anyway, "he" apparently tried to call after I left and then he did something odd for him, he got online at this time of nigt but says he just turned on the computer and went to bed. Well, when I got back from my friend's and saw that he was online so I sent him an IM and -nothing no response. So by this time, I was pretty ticked off. So I sent him another choice message and went to bed. The next morning I am greeted by a phone call telling me that he had fallen asleep and that he was awakened at 3:30am by his mother telling him someone had crashed into his truck and which by the way, had been rear-ended just a week prior. On top of everything else going on I get angry over a phone call? After profusely apologizing but also letting him know that I would appreciate him not saying he was going to call if he was not sure because of the 3 hour difference, he graciously forgave me and all was well...Until...he forgot to call again last night. Last night he finished school until mid January and we had great plans for last night. "He" has been busy with school, I have been busy nursing kids and of course there was the hiatus that barely happened. Then there was the "accident" that probably has totalled his truck. On Wednesday night, he wanted to talk so of course what happened? I threw up then passed out in the bathroom. I figured that I would be ok after going to the emergency room and getting various medications, an iv and loads of tests. I was pronounced with a stomach virus and dehydration and sent home to rest. So when I got home there were two messages from him, one on voicemail and one on IM "miss you, will call you tonight" of course the call never came...I wrote all of that to write this, I was writing the other day and left aol running in the background, all of a sudden I got an IM from a guy I had chatted with a couple of times named Jim. Jim has been having plenty of relationship troubles and I should have known to back off. Well, after chatting and hearing all of Jim's woes and feeling bad about "him" not calling or contacting me I fell prey to the vulnerability bug. Jim asked for my phone number. After hesitating for about a sceond I gave him the number. You wanna hear a case for believing in devine intervention? I did not realize it at the time but when I gave Jim the number, I accidently inverted some of the numbers and Jim could not reach me. What a save! Well, I will write more later as this week long drama is getting on my nerves just typing it. Blog on blah blah blah...you know!

Hiatus...

2004-12-14T11:49:00.000-08:00

Because of some things that have come across my mind of late I asked him to give me a week long hiatus from our relationship. I have some serious reservations about us going further and I know he is willing to wait and help me through them. I am so concerned that he not make quick decisions based on emotion and then regret them later.

Although certain aspects of our relationship pose minor setbacks it is the larger issues that worry me. "He" seems not to be worried about them and he has been nothing but supportive of me. It is so hard to not talk to him for this week but I hope that he will also take the time to think things over and maybe we will be able to get past my fears and anxieties. Well, I need to write because I got lazy yesterday and wrote N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

Bloggers you know what to do...so stop trolling and do it!

Spilling the beans...

2004-12-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have gotten so many questions about "my baby" that I figured I would post a little about it. My novel is basically a thriller about a shut in who has no "friends" except for those she encounters on the net. Due to some deceptions on her part things turn ugly for her.

That's all I want to reveal at this time because I have become a superstitious writer and don't want to "jinx" things.

Not much else to report other than I am trying to adjust to 41 and the ravages it takes on my body , LOL. Who would have thunk 41 would feel so much worse than 40!

Well bloggers, blog on blogging on!

Babblings of a birthday...

2004-12-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, the big day is here! Remember how when you were a kid the best two days in life were Christmas and birthdays? Well hit 41 not a joy! This morning started out as any other, trying to get kids out for buses, neighbors with issues, waking up the boyfriend because of anxiety...get the picture? And on top of it all 41!

The other question is why is life so much like a damn sitcom only no half hour resolutions? I made it clear to everyone on planet earth and a few on Mars that I did not want to celebrate my birthday. And just like on a bad episode of Three's Company people are sneaking around; badly and loudly of course, trying to plan something. I don't know why 41 should bother me anymore than 40 but it just does. Hmmmm...maybe it's time to go buy a sportscar or motorcycle and Harley Jacket. Isn't that what my male counterparts do?

Anyhow I need to go write some substantial if my deadline of January 13 is to met for the completion of my book. So for all the trollers...troll on and you trolling bloggers blog on!

Feeling a little Lucy...

2004-12-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

This has been such a busy time for me and the funny thing is I've never loved life more than right now. There is something about being loved that truly is inspiring! Since meeting "him" I have received the encouragement that my family was unable to give. I have consistently written something for my novel everyday since we met and it just gets easier.

A weird thing happened to me the other day. It all started with me going on AOL to check my email. As I was weeding thru the endless emails I received a popup geeting type thingy that said" AOL Insta Kiss". Well, being the least informed traveller on the Information Stupor Highway, I had no idea that it was a virus scam. So, of course me being somewhat of an ego-maniac I clicked the link and when nothing happened I thought no more about it. Until...the next day I logged on as usual and in no less than a minute I started getting IM's like crazy. Finally after the 12th "hey sexy a/s/l" I figured something was not kosher. Finally I asked this one guy why he IMmed me (well besides the obvious attempt at cyber sex), he said because you sent me an Insta Kiss. Suddenly it occured to me that half of the Eastern and Western seaboards were getting smooched up by me and I was not even enjoying it.

The next move of course was a comedy of errors, I called AOL. The guy very calmly informed me that i had downloaded a virus and to change my passwords immediately because now the "kissing bandits" were stealing personal info. Well of course that just made my day. Well, I told that long narrative to tell this. Sometimes book ideas come from the strangest places. One of the guys who IM'med turned out to be really cool and we talked for about an hour and he gave me a great idea that I plan to use for the next book. So sometimes aggravation breeds content.

Anyway, gotta wrap this thing up because tomorrow is the birthday and I plan to sleep through it. Until my next post---blog on bloggers, blog on!

Boy do I feel silly...

2004-12-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

Life can be funny, no hilarious at times. I spent the better part of the weekend agonizing over something that I should not have and and not understanding a situation that I should have. The bottom line is that "he" is still a fixture in my life and that he seems to be in it for the long haul. There will be no chasing him off LOL. I have debated changing my blog's name I'm too damn lazy but I will be back soon to post more ramblings.

How Can I Screw Up...Let Me Count The Ways...

2004-12-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

Well, well here I am blogging a new blog. It is the same blog that I have seen countless others write only this time it is me...Funny thing is I love to "troll" the blogs and read other people's entries...to all the people out there with "now that he/she is gone what will I do?" blogs, I truly apologize because I would always finish reading your entries and say to myself "get over it loser!"

Well, now its my turn, so please feel free to leave comments about the state of my loserdom as right now I know it is well deserved...I'm not going into detail about my unique aptitude for messing up but let's just say "he" was better than the best thing to happen to me and my damnable fear and lies blew it up in my face...

Here are the first of many poems dedicated to my own stupidity...

Heartbreak

I never knew what to make
Of the word that is heartbreak
It always seemed like a funny word
In my life, only seen and only heard.

Then one day you came along
With love to give, a love so strong,
You trusted me, I trusted you
But with my love came things untrue.

I held out too long before I told
So many things began to unfold,
Try and try as I might
I could not make it right.

Now here we are,
Me right here, you so far,
The dream for me is now all gone
For you there will be another dawn.

At this point there’s nothing left
All the lies I told were like a theft
I stole your heart and had to give it back,
The real of me is what you lack
.
So if there is a point it is this for me,
You are so much more than what others see
I love you so and this you must take,
Roberto you are my one, my only, Heartbreak.

What’s Left?

The only thing I have is the picture that you sent
The place where my heart use to be is spent,
I think about where you are and all day what you’ve done
Yet I know I can never share in all your boyish fun.

My mind cannot conceive this, its so damn hard you see
Because it was only just last night that you made sweet love to me,
If I could change my every move and do it over again ,
I would not change a thing for I would never have had the love you gave me then.